Round One
Wrap Up

     With the exception of a decent showing by the FOX News Conference, the cable news personalities just couldn't get their stories straight in Round One. In nearly a two-to-one ratio, the Batman baddies held the upper hand. "I don't get it," said an exasperated Tucker Carlson. "I threw myself at it with the same dedication I had the one week I was on Dancing with the Stars. I had the hair; I had the clothes; I was a Batman Villain!"

     With the number of cable hosts owing their survival to close first-round victories, and the gargantuan Hume-Russert match in Round 2, this might be a good place to insert the "To Be Continued" phrase ... Same Bat Time; Same Bat Channel!

     If you have a heart condition aggrevated by excitement, make sure you tune into the second-round match between Larry King and Louie the Lilac, Milton Berle. Combined age of the competitors: 366.

     The Sandman's game with Wolf Blitzer was delayed half an hour when it was called into question which category Wolf Blitzer was representing. The Sandman was quite surprised with the victory. "I thought he'd be more motivated ... more hungry," said the Sandman. "I guess because of that Duran Duran song."

     Walton. Oh, Walton. The two years passing since the momentous one-game win streak seem like a lifetime. Everything's coming up roses for Ethel Merman, who joins Crunch-N-Munch ('00), "I Am Woman" ('01), Miss Piggy's "Hi-yah" ('02), Artichoke Dip ('03), Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop ('04), Fannie Flagg ('05), and Coat Rack ('06) in the not-so-exclusive "Things Preferred to Bill Walton" Club.