Round One
Wrap Up

     WALTON! That's what the headlines read all across the country today after the eruption at long-dormant Walton Mountain. That's right ... for the first time in six tournament appearances, Bill Walton will be advancing to the second round of competition! In the last few years, we found out that Americans prefer Crunch & Munch, "I Am Woman", Miss Piggy's "Hi Yah", artichoke dip, and the Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop to Walton ... but this year was Bill's time to shine. "I'll be honest with you," a dejected Al Gore said, "when I saw that I drew Walton, I thought I had it lock-boxed up ... especially since I invented the Internet and all. But if the courts uphold the count, I'll congratulate Bill in person and concede. Of course, then I'll withdraw the concession, take it to a higher court, and, well, ... you know the rest."

     After the game, Walton said, "WOW. What a night. After a night like this and beating Al Gore, where do you go from there? No, seriously ... where do I go? I've never won a game before. Do I play later today, ... or do I travel, ... what? Can somebody help me out here?"

     Walton advances to meet Fannie Flagg in Round Two; either way, there's going to be a loud redhead with a lot of momentum in the Sweet Sixteen. Be sure to cast your vote!

     John Adams absolutely beat the shavings out of David Doyle. This was mildly surprising, as Doyle was practicing very hard before the game with his TV boss, Charlie. He might have learned to be a little too much like Charlie, though; at game time, Doyle just phoned it in. In Round Two, Adams will meet Dan Quayle, who flew under the Radar to advance.

     Millard Fillmore had very little trouble with first-round opponent Walter Mondale; Fritz saw the writing on the wall after he was told that GoBoilers.com is indeed viewed outside Minnesota. In another bloodbath, Martin VanBuren showed no mercy against Bill Daily. Daily's trainer said,"I thought the game got away from the referees there at the end. It's too bad that what started out as a good-spirited competition had to end with rough play like this. In the off-season, Bill's got some Major Healyng to do."

     Elaine Joyce was absolutely livid (and rightfully so) after her game with George Clinton. Apparently, a confusing ballot led voters to think that instead of competing against Thomas Jefferson's VP, George Clinton, she was competing against this George Clinton. The second George Clinton, sadly, was never elected Vice President of the United States ... yet. Apparently people kinda like him anyway. No rematch is planned.